Statewide Interactive
Originally aired March 15, 2002
PRISON WIVES: LOVE BEHIND BARS

PERSPECTIVE
LOVE BEHIND BARS

No one ever said marriage was easy, but how do you make marriage work when one of you is behind bars? It's hard to imagine why someone would want to marry a man locked up in a prison cell. Your only contact is through letters, short phone calls and occasional visits that are closely watched by prison guards. Andrea Gallagher talked with 2 women who were prison volunteers when they fell in love with inmates. Both men are serving time for violent crimes, and it could be a while before they're released. But it didn't matter. As Andrea Gallagher explains, they wanted to get married and it didn't matter if one spouse was behind bars...


VIDEOS
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ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
• Nebraska Department of Correctional Services -
http://www.dcs-careers.com

TRANSCRIPT
Transcript of Perspective

Transcript of Prison Wives

[Andrea Gallagher/Statewide Reporter]
When you're locked up in prison for years….there's not a lot to look forward to….days turn into weeks and months and soon it's difficult to remember what day it is...it's not easy meeting friends in prison - let alone a potential spouse - but it happens - and more often than you would think.
[Duane Sanders/Prison Inmate]
"This is like a dungeon, this is a concrete wastebasket so to speak. So to find something pleasant, to find something that will revive you or rejuvenate you in the midst of all this animosity and hate and anger and all those emotions - you can't help but feel blessed."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Duane Sanders was convicted for robbery and attempted murder in 1981… he's lived in the state penitentiary in Lincoln for more than 20 years...he has almost 25 more to go IF he serves his entire prison term. He never expected to fall in love behind bars.
[Duane Sanders]
"You can't tell or dictate where you're going to fall in love with a person or what those circumstances might be."
[Andrea Gallagher]
That woman was Marlys Ubben - soon to be Marlys Sanders….she was a prison fellowship volunteer in Sioux Falls and came to a seminar in Lincoln. That's when she met Duane.
[Duane Sanders]
"I listened to her sing, that's what kind of caught my attention and piqued my curiosity about her."
[Marlys Sanders/Inmate's Wife]
"He had said in the seminar if I was interested in all at writing, to correspond for him, contact with the outside world."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Since she worked around ex-offenders in South Dakota - Marlys knew the unwritten rules - keep her distance and don't get involved in something that won't work.
[Marlys Sanders]
"I was aware of that you have to be careful when you associate with offenders because you don't want to get involved in something you don't want to get involved in, they can ask you for money and stuff like that, so I was kind of cautious, but finally agreed that if he wrote I would probably write him back."
[Andrea Gallagher]
So the two began a pen-pal relationship…writing letters as much as they could….after about 6 months Marlys was impressed by Duane's intelligence...later on - she took it one step further.
[Marlys Sanders]
"Wrote for about a year and a half, then I thought, I'll give him my phone number and he can call me every now and then, you know, just a brief type of thing, then got on his visiting list to come down and visit."
[Andrea Gallagher]
She saw Duane once a month for awhile...then she took a chance.
[Marlys Sanders]
"So really just took a big step of faith and came down and found an apartment and found leads on jobs and moved down here in February of 97 and visited twice a week pretty much."
[Duane]
"This person could be somebody who could help me and encourage me to be in a frame of mind to stay in and get out and stay out and she continues to do that."
[Andrea Gallagher]
In May of 2000 - the couple got married inside the penitentiary…she had a white dress...he also wore white...it wasn't a big celebration...just a simple ceremony.
[Marlys Sanders]
"I really struggled with, you know, as the relationship progressed, is it something I want to do, course I told my friends in Sioux Falls, I won't ever marry him while he's still in prison - you know, I won't do that. Well, never say never."
"There are days when I think, this is the craziest thing I've ever done. But there are others where I know this is right and I know there's a purpose beyond that we can work towards together."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Religious coordinator Tarn Davis says weddings between inmates and outsiders happen frequently - he says it can be a good thing for the inmates.
[Tarn Davis/Prison Religious Coordinator]
"It's just a way to have someone visit too…this is a place where they choose to go to when they get out, get released on parole, and it helps focus, gives them a goal and something to attain for - oop I'm married so I'm going to have to straighten up and provide. So I would say it works from both ends of the spectrum."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Maintaining a relationship with a prisoner is a challenge…a group called the "Family and Friends of Inmates Support Group" helps Marlys and others cope with obstacles...members include spouses, mothers, fathers, daughters, friends and even regular citizens.
[NAT sound]
"As a common citizen, I am very concerned about the vast number of people who have gone through the court system..."
[Andrea Gallagher]
On this particular day, half the group would not let us videotape them for personal reasons...the others were very open.
[Jill Arias/Inmate's Wife]
"After 8 ½ years of court battles, it looks like my stepsons are going to be able to visit their dad soon. Hopefully soon, still holding our breath, but um, it's been a long time in coming..."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Jill Arias was also a prison volunteer when she met her future husband in prison...John Arias is serving 15 years for first degree sexual assault….Jill says she never expected to fall in love.
[Jill Arias]
"We were very cautious at first through our letters, we were writing pages and pages and cautiously exploring this relationship that went from friendship wanting to go to a deeper relationship."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Prison volunteers are forbidden to have relationships with inmates, so Jill quit and was soon on his visiting list. When she told her parents she wanted to marry him - they said it would never work.
[Jill Arias]
"My family told me that I would never really get to know him being in prison, and I think that's wrong because we have really - we'll be married 5 years in March, and I know there's a lot of things I don't understand, typical of any relationship, but we work on it."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Other members of the group say it helps to know they're not the only ones with loved ones in prison -...Amber Schroeder's grandfather is in prison, so is the father of her baby...she hopes this group can spread the word about the families of inmates who are left behind.
[Amber Schroeder/Support Group Member]
"Show society that inmates are not necessarily bad people, they're serving their time and they have family and friends who are on the outside who need help."
[Tamara Holtz/Restorative Justice Coordinator]
"I think the stigma is probably what's most difficult for these family members to deal with. So many times I've heard members of our group say, people just assume that I'm a non-trusted person, that I'm not worthy of any kind of trust, that I, since I'm married to an inmate, I must be a very low-caliber person."
[Amber Schroeder]
"I feel like a bad person just by the looks that they give or things that they say, they can be shocked by yeah I'm involved by people who are incarcerated and they show they're bothered by it, so."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Duane Sanders was recently moved from the penitentiary in Lincoln to the new prison in Tecumseh. Now Marlys must pay for long-distance calls and drive 100 miles round trip a few times a week.
[Marlys Sanders]
"Even though we have the same communciation time, it just feels different, knowing that he's in Lincoln, he's close. Knowing that something could come up, I could get there quickly. Whereas if he's an hour away, then you kind of feel that separation more."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Many people might wonder - why would someone marry an incarcerated offender? You can't live with them, you can't go on dates with them - in Nebraska - conjugal visits are prohibited - so there's not much you can do - except talk for small periods of time. Corinne Ortega works in the prison system and is also a mental health professional. She says for some inmates, marriage can be a positive thing.
[Corinne Ortega/Mental Health Professional]
"Research has shown that inmates who are married tend to be less disciplinary problems when they're in prison than those who are not married, and tend to be better behaved."
[Andrea Gallagher]
At the same time - people on the outside should know the risks involved.
[Corinne Ortega]
"Getting involved with someone who has been in trouble with the law who is serving time has at least some history of not being trustworthy in some aspect of their life."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Corinne says it's much more common for women on the outside to fall in love with male inmates - rather than men falling in love with female inmates....although there are many websites featuring female inmates looking for love….such as womenbehindbars.com. Either way, the chances of the relationship surviving is slim.
[Corinne Ortega]
"Marital non-cohabitation doubles the risk of divorce and in a culture where we already have a 50 % divorce rate, to double those odds - I'm no mathematician - but it's pretty high odds that the relationship is not going to work."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Jill's husband is expected to be released in 2008 - although he could be paroled at any time. She looks forward to their new life together.
[Jill Arias]
"I want to spend time with him...that's the hard part."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Marlys recently discovered that Duane could be paroled in August of 2003. That's unusual, considering he's sentenced until the year 2026. She cried when she heard the news.
[Marlys]
"We do look forward to - whenever he does get out and starting our life together - whenever that may be."
[Andrea Gallagher]
Marlys could still wait a long time for her husband to join her in society...but she looks on the bright side - saying others may never get that chance...Reporting For Statewide, I'm Andrea Gallagher.